r/funny SappyDayz 7d ago

If watching the Discovery channel has taught me anything Verified

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129k Upvotes

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u/clovergirl102187 7d ago

"I don't have to outrun the wolves, I just have to outrun you."

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u/SteveMcQueef81 7d ago

When I was a kid, about 10 or so, I was surfing with my dad. There was a point break pretty far out. It was great surf that day. I asked my dad if he was afraid of sharks. He said no. I was like, oh, so there are no sharks here? He said, no there are lots of sharks, but I can swim faster than you.

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u/20JeRK14 7d ago

McQueef Sr. is a smart guy.

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u/gbuub 7d ago

Fast too, people don’t call him “Lightning” McQueef for no reason

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u/LlamaMcfenis 7d ago

Funny stuff. I cried like a baby when my dad said something similar to me about bears while we were camping hahaha

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u/SteveMcQueef81 7d ago

yeah, I wasn't too happy about it at the time, but I said the same thing to my son when we were swimming in the ocean last summer.

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u/Grashopha 7d ago

The ancient traditions continue...

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u/-Danksouls- 7d ago edited 7d ago

Edit: someone told me to post my edit with the link before my description to avoid spoilers so here it is. Really cool video of the animal kingdom at play but better to go into it without knowing what’s gonna happen in the video

https://youtu.be/LU8DDYz68kM

But in all honesty animals have a crazy sense of empathy, there was this video on YouTube of some lions hunting these buffalos I think and then they catch the baby Buffalo and while they try to eat it an alligator(or crocodile) tries taking it from them, and so the lions and crocodile fight over this suffering baby Buffalo

Then huge plot twist and the Buffalos that ran away earlier just come back with their entire herd as revenge ready to fight the lions(it’s beautiful to see how much they cared but sad the entire situation). It was like a crazy gang war, I’ll see if I can find the youtube link.

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u/kugelbl1z 7d ago

Some species do, but some don't

Zebras for example. They hang out in groups because its an effective survival strategy, but that's about it. If another zebra gets caught, they don't care. Their individual survival strategy is basically "put as many other zebras as possible between me and danger"

I happened to see a documentary on sheep yesterday, and they do exactly the same thing, despite the fact that they are quite intelligent and have strong social bonds.

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u/spider7895 7d ago

Zebra are fascinating. They have interesting social hierarchies. For instance a father has a very close bond with his daughter and will spend a lot of time protecting her from male suitors until he finds a suitably tenacious enough one.

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u/KvinnoralskarAnkor 7d ago

They'll also force miscarriages and drown babies that aren't their own.

It's more "I did awful shit to have a child, I shouldn't let my child deal with that"

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u/ravenswan19 7d ago

I was on safari a few years ago and saw a zebra just stomp a baby antelope to death. The baby wasn’t doing anything, just hiding in the grass. Zebra wasn’t having it apparently.

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u/BigFatStupid 7d ago

Got it. No playing hide and seek around the Zebras

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u/Klewdo 7d ago

To be honest, it's really not as black and white as you think!

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u/j_ly 7d ago

Nope. Just red all over.

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u/chewienick 7d ago

Only after the stomping.

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u/ArTiyme 7d ago

Zebra's are definitely a "Fuck you" animal and it kinda makes sense. When they go to get food a bunch of them die. When they go to get water a bunch of them die. If you go to take a shit a lion eats your friend before you even get back. Everything around them is getting eaten every day and you just have to keep on moving along, knowing that your luck is constantly running out. Makes sense that their species is just angry and calloused.

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u/FertileFlounder 7d ago

I've actually heard from my friend that works at a local zoo the zebras are dicks. They have to keep them sepperated or they will stomp other animals to death.

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u/Valdrax 7d ago

There's a few very good reasons they've never been domesticated. Their temperament is the biggest one.

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u/Kriegmannn 7d ago

Wtf? Mad shit coming from zebras. Crazy. I wanna stomp a zebra now.

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u/medicalmystery1395 7d ago

Yeah this is what I think of every time someone asks why we don't ride zebras like we do horses.

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u/metalgearzoe 7d ago

I've seen a video of zebras attacking an orphan cause it kept calling to its mother. They didn't want it attract predators with its crying. So they kicked it to death.

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u/Safe_Specialist_9377 7d ago

God damn it, Dr Pierce!

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u/KyonaPrayerCircleMem 7d ago

That wasn't an orphan. It was a chicken!

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u/0180190 7d ago

It's more "anything that improves the fitness of my genes goes, fuck human morality" than anything else, tbh.

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u/masticore99 7d ago

Even that implies some intent where there isn’t. Evolutionary simply says that those animals with the genetic predisposition to do things like abandon their young are more likely to survive, and thus in the long run those genes get passed down and take over the gene pool.

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u/sexmagikarp 7d ago

It's more "I did awful shit to have a child, I shouldn't let my child deal with that"

You just described humanity.

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u/ReubenZWeiner 7d ago

You and me baby ain't nothin but mammals

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u/I_like_an_audience 7d ago

Lets do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

"Discovery Channel"

^ And with that, we've come full circle.

/thread

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u/Dizzycactus2 7d ago

The thing is it makes it kinda hard to take things seriously when you see blatant transfers of those instincts across to humans. Like when your gf's dad tries to do the tough guy thing and you can't help but think he's on the level of a zebra

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u/Atruen 7d ago

“What’re intentions with my daughter”

imagines herd of zebra, one of them sniffing the genitals of a possible male suitor for his daughter zebra

“Hey boy? You gonna answer me?

“Oh ya sorry, uhh if there’s any danger I’ll just run faster than her”

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u/DarthYippee 7d ago

Yeah I hate it when you go to pick up your date, and the first thing her dad does is sniff your genitals.

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u/Atruen 7d ago

I know it’s like, woa there cowboy save some for her.

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u/Hexegesis 7d ago

Every day the human race reminds us it is just a species of ape. It's actually a very powerful tool for explaining our behaviour. When people ask questions like "Why did he do that?" people struggle with answers involving psychology or the soul.

Honestly, he's a primitive ape following basic strategies that were effective long before the bronze age, that's why he did whatever awful thing you're asking about. He doesn't even know why he did it, not really. A ten million year old circuit fired in his brain, that's why.

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u/noonemustknowmysecre 7d ago

eh. Our instincts were developed to fit into a paleolithic lifestyle where tribes were ~200 and hunter and gatherers.

They're out of date. Our renaissance institutions change all that and evolution has in no way prepared us for the breakneck speed of back-to-back technological revolutions.

But brains are capable of learning and supplanting instinct. If you can't overcome or at least control your instincts, you've no place in modern society.

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u/Left_Brain_Train 7d ago

The incredible part is that human brains still carry these 2+ million year old instincts that can be vicious for no reason yet evolved capacity to outstrip them with higher reasoning and quick learning.

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u/Hexegesis 7d ago

This is one of my favourite things about the human brain. It's like a huge code base with appalling architecture. Instead of being planned from the start, it's just one old system piled on top of another, with endless layers of patches and quick fixes, so you get all these different inclinations at war with each other, and where they find equilibrium a human personality emerges.

I want to bash your head in because you insulted me, but I also don't want to bash your head in because my social senses tell me others would disapprove, and also I have a more intellectual understanding of personal and economic costs, and there are empathy circuits making me feel bad for you if that happened, and also some higher executive functions thinking about such abstract things as "that would be morally wrong", like some fuckin' philosopher over here.

That gang of warring idiots have a shouting match in my head for two seconds, my eye twitches, and the dinner party goes on.

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u/noonemustknowmysecre 7d ago

2 million?

Nah, that was legit code at LEAST 2,000 years ago. Probably still has some marginal utility today even. DNA has a serious hoarding problem and doesn't let go of anything it think might be a little useful.

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u/Hexegesis 7d ago

And that's why education and socialisation are so important. It's also why it's so difficult. Taking a brain made by DNA that thinks it still lives in the wild and turning it into a member of a 21st century civilisation is an uphill battle to say the least.

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u/PlayingNightcrawlers 7d ago

True, especially with the pace of societal advancement constantly increasing at faster rates than ever before. Even a couple hundred years ago one generation wasn’t going to be that much different than the next but now everything is at hyper speed and it’s easier than ever to be left behind.

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u/The_Unreal 7d ago

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u/Hexegesis 7d ago

We're not really in disagreement here. Articles like this are mostly sounding a note of caution about being overly specific or overly confident in describing specific traits as having evolved as a result of specific circumstances, due to a lack of evidence (largely due to the large timescales in question).

The underlying principle, that core human behaviours evolved in our distant past, isn't in question.

Groups of young men have a tendency to band together and rove around menacing others, for example. It's hard to know if that behaviour came about during pleistocene tribal life or from far older chimpanzee-like ancestors (we know chimps form similar roving gangs to attack rival tribes or hunt monkeys).

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u/TimeToRedditToday 7d ago

But then also fuck right off and leave her to die the instant a predator comes near.

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u/banjowashisnameo 7d ago

TIL zebras are South Asians

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u/Daikataro 7d ago

For instance a father has a very close bond with his daughter and will spend a lot of time protecting her from male suitors until he finds a suitably tenacious enough one.

You sir, are worthy of impregnating my daughter.

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u/Change4Betta 7d ago

How do they decide who gets to stay in the middle of the pack. Sounds like some 1% bullshit to me

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u/MCC900 7d ago

They just convince the other zebras that the border is safer and that center privilege is a hoax invented by lion-worshipping cultists

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u/46554B4E4348414453 7d ago

/r/lionsatemyfaceandeverythingelse

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u/TheRealBigDave 7d ago

Thank Zeus that link didn’t work. Still clicked it though.

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u/zystyl 7d ago

r/LeopardsAteMyFace/ is real, but probably not what you're expecting.

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u/x4u 7d ago

The grass is greener on the periphery.

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u/Klingon_Jesus 7d ago

All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others.

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u/Shmooperdoodle 7d ago

This wins the Internet, for today.

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u/shardarkar 7d ago

Center could be safer. But that also means less resources for you as once you've reached that patch of grass, someone else would have presumably grazed all the good bits already and you've got leftovers.

It's also no guarantee of safety. Watch the documentaries where they have to cross crocodile infested rivers, usually the first ones through make it unscathed and then the middle is just a blood bath. The last ones through have less to contend with because the crocodiles have had their fill.

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u/poorbred 7d ago

Reminds me of the joke about hiking around venomous snakes. Be the leader in the morning because if you step on one, they're not yet warmed up and will bite the second person. After lunch be the second because the snakes are now warmed up and will bite the leader.

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u/rchaseio 7d ago

Not a joke. I used to run desert trails in Arizona and it is well known that the lead runner wakes the rattlesnake up and the second pisses it off. Third runner is in most danger, but by then the snake is loud enough to warn you.

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u/Kozmyn 7d ago

In the middle stay the ones that don't mind eating leftover grass that was trampled by the other zebra.

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u/elmz 7d ago

Gourmet Zebras, living on the edge.

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u/Ingoiolo 7d ago

Lions approve: gourmet zebras are tastier

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u/gdftyybvde 7d ago

Middle is worst spot until attack, crowded and anything you eat is trampled and pissed on 100 times over

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u/zion1886 7d ago

Gotta have that zest flavor

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u/kel007 7d ago

I'm not sure about their source, but the middle isn't always safer. If you're blocked by a number of slower sheep in front of you, you're the one dead instead.

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u/wristdirect 7d ago

Except there are any other sheep blocked up behind you too, so they're the ones getting nabbed.

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u/texasrigger 7d ago edited 7d ago

Quokka will throw expel their babies at an incoming threat.

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u/Petersaber 7d ago

explains the smile

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u/PoorlyLitKiwi2 7d ago

Thats what I use my kids for too. Is there any different reason to have children?

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u/Possibly_English_Guy 7d ago

Zebras are the Margaret Thatcher of the animal kingdom.

"There is no such thing as society"

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u/dudeCHILL013 7d ago

Don't forget that both wild and domestic horses will thrash a new born foal to death if there's anything wrong with it, other species do this as well. There's also common theme where the runt of the littler being abandoned among mammals.

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u/osiris775 7d ago

What trips me out is that once an animal is caught by the predator, the rest stop running and go back to grazing. Like, "yeah, that's George over there, never really liked that guy."

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u/Cadbury93 7d ago

I think it's just that most animals try to avoid fighting whenever possible, they don't have doctors so even the slightest injury could potentially be the end for them. Sure they could save their friend but 3 of them could get injured in the process which is potentially a worse outcome.

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u/KnowsIittle 7d ago

Not just fighting but needless expenditure of calories. Animals are mostly built for short bursts and are not endurance runners like humans. They can literally overheat and die from exhaustion.

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u/FizzTrickPony 7d ago

It's how early man survived: Before the invention of more convenient hunting weapons like bows hunters would use their superior endurance to chase down animals until the animal was too exhausted to run or fight back

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u/TheEvilBagel147 7d ago edited 7d ago

That, and spears. Humans are insanely good at throwing things compared to other animals. In fact, the fastest voluntary muscle-movement in the body is the "flick" of the forearm that puts spin on whatever you're throwing, which makes it more accurate. Our shoulders are insanely complicated compared to most animals, with extra mobility allowing for effective overhand throwing.

Watch a chimp try to throw stuff and see how they kinda just "lob" it with minimal force or accuracy. So the insane endurance running combined with the ability to hit prey from 30 yards with pinpoint accuracy made us absolutely deadly.

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u/wwaxwork 7d ago

Unless you bottle feed your lambs then they grow into sheep with no fear of dogs and will stare them down and attack them, or in the case of my sheep try to get them to play. Often mother Ewes with lambs will also attack sheep dogs. Not saying any of them would successfully fight off a hungry dog/wolf and that it's not a stupid thing for them to do.

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u/handmaid25 7d ago

I raised sheep as a kid, and they were not “quite intelligent” at all. Literally one of the dumbest animals I have ever seen.

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u/iprobablyneedahobby 7d ago

Yeah I have sheep and they are absolute cowardly idiots. They werent bottle fed either. Now goats on the other hand...they are majestic cantankerous bastards. Totally recommend getting goats.

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u/Master_of_opinions 7d ago

Also, their stripes apparently make them camouflage with each other, which puts predators off because instead of seeing one little weakling to kill, they see a big writhing mass of stripes, which looks more dangerous.

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u/Arcadian1 7d ago

The more evidence I see, the more I think it's not about species, but individual specimens within that species. I've seen enough video footage of canines being vicious and canines being self-sacrificing heroes to think that they can only be one or the other.

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u/xDulmitx 7d ago

They aren't even the most R selected species. Look at insects for some truly brutal herd/colony survival tactics. There is a type of ant (Colobopsis saundersi) where the workers are literal suicide bombers.

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u/Dikeswithkites 7d ago edited 7d ago

I had a class called Animal Behavior about a decade ago, and while the teacher was a gigantic tool trapped in the past, it has been one of my most memorable classes. I still have the textbook and I’ve actually looked through it for fun from time to time. The social hierarchy of lions is just incredible and was one of the best parts of the class.

As pertains to your comment though... I can’t recall the species, but it was a ground foraging bird... and they foraged in these large groups and there is a different risk/benefit to each area of the group.

The birds on the outside have more food, but they spend more time scanning for predators and less time eating. The birds in the middle have less food, but they don’t even look up, they just eat constantly (the study separated behaviors into “scanning” and “foraging” and calculated the ratio for each area).

The first thing they realized was that the areas were a lot closer in risk/benefit than first imagined.

The outside also isn’t all equal. It’s a circular group of tightly packed birds that move together. The worst place to be is on the outside at the back of the circle because you get already foraged ground and vulnerability to predators.

And so the study predicted that there would be a social hierarchy that determines a bird’s location. A sort of alpha-beta spectrum situation where birds with low risk tolerance stayed in the middle and, while they collected less resources and reproduced at a lower rate, they lived longer lives. Thus the behavior was retained. Meanwhile birds with higher risk tolerances, collect more resources, allowing them to reproduce more effectively, but for a shorter time period. And thusly, both behaviors are retained.

That was not the case, however. When they kept track of individual birds, they were shocked to find that they rotated, such that each bird spent similar amounts of time in each section. They strongest link though was with the highest risk area (the back-outside). The birds each spent a damn near equal time in the worst position. And there is no organization... it’s just a mass of birds, so how the fuck do they do that?

And that’s the crazy part, is it’s some evolutionary interplay of aggressiveness, risk tolerance, and reproduction on an individual level that creates this system without any instruction or enforcement.

So for example, a bird in the middle is consuming food at X rate without any fear input from predators. This slowly increases their aggressiveness and risk tolerance (for example via cortisol decreasing) until they push forward to the leading edge to forage more aggressively (in the most resource rich area). This displaces the birds that were at the leading edge forcing them around the outside of the circle toward the trailing edge (the worst place). From the moment they hit the edge, their fear and cortisol levels start to rise (hence the increased scanning). As the fear increases, scanning increases and these birds that spend more time scanning than foraging are easily displaced by the birds aggressively coming from the center. As the bird is displaced along the outside, eventually to the trailing edge, it’s stress levels reach fever pitch and they force their way into the middle. And in this fashion, each bird acting entirely for itself, creates this fairly cycling system of foraging.

Let’s pretend I’m a bird:

So I’m a bird in the middle. I’m eating and chilling. My vision is obscured by all these insulating birds. I have like zero input from predatory stimuli. I’m not even looking for predators. I’m just getting relaxed af. My cortisol is slowly decreasing more and more (owing to no predatory input). And as I get relaxed my risk tolerance increases.

Eventually, I’m ready to take a bit more risk for more food. So I push my way past these relaxed birds in the middle like butter, and I get to the leading edge, where I easily push these pussy birds (spending all their time scanning) out of the way. Now I’m at the leading edge. Yum yum.

The front isn’t all it’s cracked up to be though, because my vision is no longer obscured by insulating birds. Now I can see the horizon, and it sucks. Now I catch movement and have to check. So I have to scan. And it’s mediated by positive feedback, the view itself is predatory input. That causes stress. Stress causes scanning. Scanning increases predatory input and further increases my stress, and when I get more stressed I scan more, and when I scan more I... you get it. So it’s not long before I’m doing more scanning than foraging.

And then some reckless, asshole bird comes and pushes me to the side while I’m scanning, trying not to die. And he’s just recklessly foraging. What an idiot!

So now I’m being displaced around the outside toward the rear, moving through the lower food, higher risk areas toward the absolute worst spot (around the sides to that trailing edge).

All the while, I’m getting more and more stressed and doing more and more scanning. By the time I get to the back, I am positively freaking the fuck out, basically just scanning and not foraging. There isn’t even any gd food back here! (And the positive feedback loop is positively killing me).

And eventually this fear and stress make my risk tolerance plummet toward zero, which increases my aggressiveness. I have to get out of here. I literally cannot handle the stress so I force my way back into the middle (where the relaxed birds are easily displaced).

And now my stress levels are through the roof and my risk tolerance is zero. So I’m happy to forage in the middle. But now that my vision is obscured... no predatory input... no scanning... stress levels slowly decreasing... and then I do it all again.

And that’s what each bird is doing, entirely independently of the others. That’s just one hypothesis though, you could also base it on increasing scarcity in the middle causing aggression and displacing the outer birds who are less aggressive in the resource rich areas.

If you find this stuff interesting, check out the Hawk-Dove evolutionary game theory

The whole thing is just fascinating and I could talk about it all day. The different hierarchies among primates. The misconception of alpha and beta roles and reproductive rates. Just awesome. The basic observation that in a population the majority of individuals are beta males is clearly contradictory to the idea that the alpha has significant reproductive advantages... or does it?

Oh, also conspecific aggression is fascinating. If you have a chance to take a course... do it.

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u/Sl1ppin_Jimmy 7d ago

Disney’s Elephants is great too. It talks about how much the elephants show their emotions and ritualize emotional events like death. In one scene, the heard of elephants pass by the bones of a dead elephants, and as they pass it one by one they brush their trunk on the bones of the dead elephant to show respect for their fallen

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u/funfungiguy 7d ago

If your gonna watch it don’t read my description,this is better with no spoilers

Puts link to video and advice to not read spoilers at bottom of description full of spoilers.

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u/Chamber53 7d ago

If your gonna watch it don’t read my description,this is better with no spoilers

What in the hell!? Who reads from the bottom up?!?!

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u/Belurso 7d ago

OP confirmed stralian?

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u/illQualmOnYourFace 7d ago

Re-edit to put the link and disclaimer about not reading your description toward the top!

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u/memecut 7d ago

Right? That's like having a "danger - road ends" at the bottom of the ravine..

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u/SpankWhoWithWhatNow 7d ago

You should have bought a squirrel.

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u/Jokojabo 7d ago

I legit lol'ed when I read the edit

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u/Left_of_Center2011 7d ago

The ‘Battle at Kruger’ - craziest nature video I ever saw!

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u/PurpleSunCraze 7d ago

From everything I’ve heard and read, if you get cornered by a Cape buffalo and a lion and you only have 2 bullets, shoot the buffalo twice and try to talk it out with the lion.

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u/hutchallen 7d ago

I might just eat a bullet in that situation, two if the first doesn't take

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u/Vallajha 7d ago

This reminds of a nature documentary I saw. The lionesses would go out to hunt and come back and a cub would be dead, so the head female loops back around after pretending to go hunt and finds the lioness who was supposed to look after the cubs was killing themwhen the pride would go hunt. Just cause

Edit grammar.

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u/Libarate 7d ago

The edit with the spoiler warning is useless if its at the end of the post smh.

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u/[deleted] 7d ago edited 7d ago

[deleted]

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u/bluesnacks 7d ago

"If you watch it don't read my description" ~note after description

Thx though video was neat

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u/JohhnyDamage 7d ago

Still my favorite animal video.

“Wait guys it’s two lions and we’re like fourty buffalo...”

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u/MonkAndCanatella 7d ago

class consciousness emerges in the animal kingdom.

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u/Beingabumner 7d ago

It's just a human's tendency to apply emotions to everything. Like, we feel sad for the buffalo baby but if the lions and the crocodile don't eat the buffalo baby then they and/or their babies will starve, etc.

It's really common in nature for mothers to eat their young if there isn't enough food to go around: the mother can have more young, the young will die anyway if the mother dies. It's nature at its most brutal and its most basic.

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u/beerbrewer1995 7d ago

Dude omg when that fucking bitch ass lion got yeeted like 10 feet in the air

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u/dinneybabz 7d ago

Dude, what a drama!

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u/throwaway2323234442 7d ago

Edit: found it. If your gonna watch it don’t read my description,this is better with no spoilers

Maybe put the edit at the top of the comment in that case

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u/elmz 7d ago

Do you think that spoiler warning worked? :)

Spoils video

Spoiler alert

Link to video

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u/cryogenisis 7d ago edited 7d ago

There's a saying in Alaska: when you go hiking bring a tourist with you, preferably a slower one than you.

But honestly Alaskans aren't really concerned with bears, we just like making a joke at tourists expense.

Edit: I should say we were never concerned with black bears. Brown bears are more aggressive but there's no brown bears in the region where I lived.

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u/copinglemon 7d ago

I went hiking in Alaska once, once we got to our destination near a beautiful stream and began setting up our camp we encountered 2 brown bears, 1 moving down the stream the other cutting across the field near our campsite. We we're scared to death as we couldn't quite see where they went. We all grouped up with the bear spray on a knoll and after 15-20 mins or so we figured it was safe to continue setting up camp. I went down to my tent and notice movement across the lake and there was a pack of 3 wolves along the ridge across the lake. Needless to say, I did not sleep well that night, haunted by the thought of carnivore circling around our campsite.

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u/clovergirl102187 7d ago

As someone who lives in a touristy area full of mountains and hiking trails, I enjoy telling folks "watch out fer bears" in my country accent.

The look of confusion and concern always tickles me.

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u/lordkaramat 7d ago

I misread that as Disney Channel and got very confused.

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u/Sappydayz SappyDayz 7d ago

Disney went dark

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u/helpusdrzaius 7d ago

those evil fuckers, pushed lemmings off cliff to fake them committing mass suicide.

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u/OmegaKitty1 7d ago

Yep I do not trust Disney with nature documentaries. They can not be trusted

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u/IrrelevantMontgomery 7d ago

went dark? Fam, Disney has always been twisted. Corporation and content.

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u/Cognitive_Spoon 7d ago

Dad? Get up dad. Get up!

Yeah, Disney has some straight up traumatizing narratives to fling at little kids.

But Don Bluth makes Disney look tame.

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u/FiveTwoRoyHibbert 7d ago

I thought it was Disney until seeing this comment.

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u/lordlemming 7d ago

How could Discovery channel teach you about this? This has nothing to do with ice road trucking or pawn shops.

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u/olsmobile 7d ago

Pawnshops are History channel, Discovery is all about gold mining these days for some reason

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u/elmz 7d ago

Gold mining and storage locker auctions last I checked. And spin-offs, occasionally some other kind of mining (eg. the gemstone pickers) and unclaimed baggage auctions

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u/MantisPRIME 7d ago

Both technically discovery processes. I commend them!

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u/philodelta 7d ago

unclaimed baggage auctions...... I can't believe that's real. it sounds like a kind of tired parody

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u/elmz 7d ago

The baggage stuff is so obviously scripted, it's never just clothes and toothbrushes, they find collections of valuable items, jewelry, friggin antique clocks (like the ones you'd put on a counter), etc.

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u/MercilessHobo 7d ago

Discovering gold in them hills.

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u/karmagod13000 7d ago

hell ya lets get paid

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u/tokin_ranger 7d ago

Gold mining and also grown men arguing about street racing

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u/TheAerial 7d ago

That’s what’s arguably the most frustrating part.

Okay straying from their original programming in the name of chasing profit? Disappointing but I get it.

But doing it with shows about mining gold? Lol seriously that is what’s raking in more money then the animal shows? I don’t doubt they are, they must be if the channel is doing it but who tf is watching that?

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u/Panzerbeards 7d ago

At this point BBC seems to be the only place left for genuine documentaries.

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u/Greywacky 7d ago

There's a channel called Eden that shows some decent geographical documentaries, well at least there was when I last had access to the channel. Wouldn't be surprised if that's full of nazi aliens and storage lockers full of sharks now either.

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u/adventureremily 7d ago

I'm old enough to remember Discovery Channel showing amazing technical and engineering advances instead of gold miners, The Learning Channel showing educational programs instead of terrible reality schlock, and History Channel showing actual history rather than conspiracy theories and pawn shops.

I miss those days. Even National Geographic and Animal Planet went down the same tube with alternating "CUTE ANIMALS!" or "WHEN ANIMALS ATTACK!" instead of quality programs.

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u/CaioNintendo 7d ago

Maybe it has some connection to sharks? Or maybe Aliens! Yes, yes, definitely aliens.

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u/DundasKev 7d ago

Honestly, I thought wildlife used metric units until now.

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u/StormyDLoA 7d ago

He clearly says 40 metres per hour. Not sure that's fast enough.

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u/ninjasaid13 7d ago

40 meters per hectominutes is mph so he's actually travelling at.. 84 km per hour.

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u/currently_ 7d ago

They're American bison.

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u/GeshtiannaSG 7d ago

Metric for everything else. Miles just sounds nice.

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u/KoopaKing16 7d ago

There's a good reason few poets use the word kilometers in their work

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u/JagYui 7d ago

Oh, I would walk 804.672 km,

And I would walk 804.672 more...

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u/TooShiftyForYou 7d ago

I was hiking with my girlfriend when suddenly a really angry wolf started to approach us.

Maybe their cubs were nearby, I don't know, but I've never seen such a crazed wolf before in my life.

Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me.

One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took and I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

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u/MattCloudy 7d ago

I don't need to be faster than the wolf, I just need to be faster than you shoot my girlfriend.

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u/karmagod13000 7d ago edited 7d ago

I don't need to be faster than the wolf, I just need to be faster than you shoot my girlfriend. upon further inspection there wasnt even a wolf but i had to be sure. sorry Ashley

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u/ddh85 7d ago

*Ashley starts transforming into werewolf*

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u/Striker887 7d ago

bullet was silver. She dies.

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u/Moroten03 7d ago

bullet was made of fake silver. She lives

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u/gamerholic 7d ago

You may:

  1. Continue on trail.

  2. Check supplies.

  3. Look at map.

  4. Change pace.

  5. Change food rations.

  6. Stop to rest.

  7. Attempt to trade.

  8. Hunt for food.

What is your choice? __

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u/cheseball 7d ago

7, Attempt to trade

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u/MoroseBurrito 7d ago

That's not very nice of you. The bullet will get stuck in the wolf and damage his insides.

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u/deadpoetic333 7d ago

Full metal jacket, that baby is going in and out like butter

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u/Luz5020 7d ago edited 7d ago

Use Incendiaries* so the wolf doesn‘t get salmonella

/s just in case

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u/NoceboHadal 7d ago

That /s was needed as I was about to shoot my girlfriend in the kneecap with a incendiary bullet that would cook her flesh so the wolf that was about to eat her wouldn't get salmonella, but then I saw your /s and realised you were joking. /S

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u/Luz5020 7d ago

Dodged a bullet there!

just like your girlfriend

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u/PM_ME_THE_BEST_STORY 7d ago

A 9mm bullet would probably just pass through undigested, so I really don't see a problem with this

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u/visionsofblue 7d ago

Hiking With Pistorius

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u/ErickBachman 7d ago

Damn remember that douche

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u/faithle55 7d ago

Oh, you mean the guy who couldn't fake-cry to save his own life?

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u/Rigaudon21 7d ago edited 7d ago

"Unfortunately her disability made escape impossible for her."

Disability? My daughter was healthy and nondisabled!

"Was"

Edited escaoe to escape and corrected my language a bit.

Edited Editted to Edited.

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u/FirelessEngineer 7d ago

Same thing, except I carry a metal pipe for mountain lions.

People love to laugh for thinking I can fend off a mountain lion with a pipe, until I tell them the pipe is for my husband not me. That's the only hope I have to outrun him.

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u/sirferrell 7d ago

Reminds me of the time a wild hyena came for me and my little brother. Luckily I made it out...Been a few years now and my mom finally had a new one

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u/Sappydayz SappyDayz 7d ago

😂😂😂

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u/woolypully 7d ago

Very similar to the reason people used to have so many dang kids. About half would likely die to disease, accidents, etc. Need that labor for the farms.

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u/domesticatedprimate 7d ago

You beat me to it. I believe around half my grandfather's siblings died in childhood. My mother had his baby clothes framed on the wall (a little dress - they didn't differentiate back then until they got older) and written on the back of the frame was all his siblings and when they died.

And his was a wealthy family. Honestly I bet wild animals have a better survival chance than Americans in the late 1890s and 1900s.

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u/Dewy_Wanna_Go_There 7d ago

My mom has 10 sisters and one brother, I bet my grandpa was like ffs I need farmhands lord, wtf??

I guess makes sense why they were mostly Tomboys tho.

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u/SuperEnthusiastic 7d ago

Need that labor for the farms.

No only that. In the past there was no such thing as a pension plan or a state pension. Your children cared for you in your old age, more kids = a better quality retirement.

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u/mrjosemeehan 7d ago

That's not at all the bovine play style. They have horns for a reason and are highly social and always conscious of their herdmates around them. They also don't have many children. Bovines typically only give birth to one calf at a time and a pregnancy takes even longer than it does for humans so every calf is precious to the herd and especially to its mother. Calves can run and even fight back against predators within just a few days of being born and a herd will attempt to move in such a way that the slower members can still keep up. If a member of the herd goes down, nearby herdmates will often attempt to turn back and retrieve it if the odds are not overwhelming.

I know you're just trying to be funny but I happen to have a video clip showing how this exact situation plays out in real life: two wolves chase a child and adult bison who have been separated from the pack. The adult matches speed with the calf and when the wolves get close enough to attack the calf, the adult stands and fights, shielding the calf under its body until they calf lands a good kick on one of the wolves and they're able to make a break for it and rejoin the herd.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GtG-9ftqoHw

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u/Downvotesohoy 7d ago

Was gonna come here and comment something like it, just way stupider and less well-informed.

The artist should have used something else than Bison for his cartoon. Bison will protect their young and fuck you up. The only direction a parent bison is going 40mph is towards whoever is fucking with their calf.

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u/AimlessFred 7d ago

On the other hand there is this video where a bison literally murders his buddy trying to escape.

https://youtu.be/8wl8ZxAaB2E

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u/I_am_secretly_a_cat 7d ago

came here for this!

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u/Dino0801 7d ago

I feel like this is a good opportunity to say that kangaroos will sometimes throw their babies at predators so that the predator will kill the baby and not the mom. The mothers reasoning for this is that if she was to sacrifice her life, her baby would also die, but if she only sacrifices her baby, she can continue to make more babies which in a way is saving more lives.

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u/ReadIfMomGay 7d ago

I love that the kangaroo has reasoning.

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u/UnpopularCrayon 7d ago

If you ever get a chance to watch an interview with a kangaroo, I highly recommend. The way their mind works is fascinating to witness.

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u/ReadIfMomGay 7d ago

Yeah but their opinion on garden gnomes is kinda ify.

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u/shinigamiscall 7d ago

I love how humans assign their own emotional/calculated thought processes to animals. Meanwhile, their only thoughts are: "Eat, Sleep, Fuck & Kick" and not necessarily in that order.

Fascinating really.

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u/Jamoras 7d ago

The mothers reasoning for this

Can you prove that? We can't exactly talk to kangaroos.

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u/yellekc 7d ago

I feel like we just assign the word reasoning to the myriad of emergent evolutionary behaviors in the environment.

No individual kangaroo made that decision, in the way we would think of ourselves coming to a decision.

My guess is the relatively lower time and energy investment into newborns by marsupials results in behavior that places less value on them.

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u/UnpopularCrayon 7d ago

No single Kangaroo made that decision, but you can't just throw out the Kangaroo Convention Accords of 1857.

Yes they were never officially ratified by every Kangaroo faction, but they have allowed Kangaroo-kind to peacefully coexist for 150 years now.

Joey-throwing was adopted at that convention.

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u/wumboweed 7d ago

Yeetus the feetus

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u/Joe-Lines 7d ago

Ted Cruz abandoning Texas, 2021, Colourised.

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u/what_it_dude 7d ago

"I'm going to have many more Texases"

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u/ilikepintobeans 7d ago

-Ted Cruz's presidential slogan 2024

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u/onzie9 7d ago

I saw a homemade Trump/Cruz 2024 sign the other day. I don't think I'd ever felt more out of the loop.

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u/teryret 7d ago

Somehow I doubt a Republican is going to raise Texases.

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u/WishOnSpaceHardware 7d ago

I'll make my own Texas! With tequila and hookers!

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u/Vulkan192 7d ago

Texas doesn't have those things?

...

I have been lied to.

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u/GiantPurplePen15 7d ago

Ted Cruz throwing his daughters under the bus works too.

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u/DalefuckinGribble 7d ago

Its amazing how people make nature out to be fuzzy and warm. Nature don't care. Nature wants to kill your ass. Nature is dark and murdery.

Gotta love it.

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u/7937397 7d ago

Nature doesn't necessarily want to kill you. Just eat you. And most animals don't particularly care if you are dead before they start eating you.

The killing is just a secondary effect of the eating.

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u/InvaderDem 7d ago

I remember watching a documentary where a polar bear grabbed a baby seal and dragged it away while the Mom helplessly watched when she poked her head above the water.

I mean, what could she do? The two options are try to save the baby and also be killed, or survive and try to have more kids. It didn't help that seals look sad by default.

Nothing violent was shown, but we knew what was going to happen.

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u/DalefuckinGribble 7d ago

On that same note, im not sure if you've looked up the woman and man who lived with bears for like a year, cant recall if they were married? The bears ended up eating them. You can listen to their audio as the bears maul them. its haunting and horrifying...

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u/SourKraut6969 7d ago

Sounds like a "you" problem, kid

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u/MagisD 7d ago

Nature is whatever the fuck works wins.

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u/CivicDisobedience 7d ago

It's good to have an exit strategy

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u/floating_bells_down 7d ago

I've seen video of herd animals kicking the ass of predators who try for their children.

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u/Sappydayz SappyDayz 7d ago

For more info on this cartoon visit my blog.

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u/gene100001 7d ago

Do you make cartoons full time as your profession or just as a side job? I imagine it being pretty tough and competitive, even if you are really talented (which I think you are)

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u/VTKegger 7d ago

Wow, that dad is like..."Bison"